Had one of those early morning dreams that feel so real but then you wake up and realized that it wasn’t.
And if this was one of those wishes that your heart makes, I look forward to meeting you, dream girl.
So little time
Ramblings
I finally watched Crazy Rich Asians. Good movie.
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Clean up continues around the house. More trips to Goodwill are planned in the future.
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The 1967 San Francisco Giants replay is finally finished. I’m moving on to the 1939 New York Giants replay and continuing the 1917 MLB replay.
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February is right around the corner, meaning my birthday is coming up. This year it falls on a Saturday, and will be our monthly Games Night.
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TNT has started showing Rogue One almost every other day.
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I’ve been feeling crappy over the last few days, so much so that I’ve skipped my daily elliptical for a couple of days.
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I forgot to get a haircut this past weekend.
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I really do fear commitment.
HVD 2018
Radiohead – OK Computer
The only Radiohead song I’m familiar with is “Creep”.
I have a pirated copy of the CD OK Computer sitting at home, but I’ve never listened to it.
In late 2001, I fell hard for a gal who initially was interested in me, but eventually decided that she wasn’t. For reasons lost in the passage of time, it hurt me more than any other rejection before or since. So much so that I actually sought out self-help guides, both in book form and online.
It was a dark time for me. Darkest I’ve ever felt. Really dark. Darkity dark dark.
One of the suggestions, strangely enough, was to listen to the CD OK Computer by Radiohead. I managed to burn a copy of it to a CD, but kept hesitating to listen to it. And eventually I was able to pull myself out of the despair that I was wallowing in.
As a result, I didn’t feel the need to do any more of the things that were suggested to me, including listening to that CD.
So I haven’t, mostly out of a sense of me having defeated those demons so many years ago.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but it felt right to post about it now, for some reason.
As for the CD, I know it’s at home, just not sure where exactly I left it. Probably on a shelf in my bedroom.
[obligatory 2.14 post]
Fear?
A couple of weeks ago I reactivated my account on Coffee Meets Bagel, a dating app. After a few days of interaction, the same thing happened that caused me to shut down that account in the first place: no new ‘bagels’ for me to check out.
So last week I downloaded and created a new account on Match.com’s phone app. About a day later my mailbox had about a dozen or so ‘likes’ and messages from some women, but of course they want you to subscribe in order to find out who they are or read the messages, and frankly I’m wary of that, because this same thing happened on eHarmony, I think, and it was bullshit, there were no actual messages, and the ones who did ‘like’ my profile never responded to messages that I sent.
I promptly shut down the Match.com account.
It always happens around the holidays: I get some hair up my nose or bug up my ass to go find possible companionship, even though I’m fine being alone for a good 9-10 months out of the year. This year was no different.
But this time I’m questioning myself about what it is that I want right now. Do I actually fear the idea of being in a relationship? Have I finally convinced myself that I am no longer boyfriend/husband/father material?
I believe I answered that a while back when I said that I was broken. Broken in that I’m not a dateable person anymore. I think I stopped being that a while ago. I’m good at being an uncle, but the idea of having my own kids, especially at my age, is not something I think I could be good at anymore.
The last time I dated someone was in 2010. That was the girl who I met at a screening of Indiana Jones films, who suggested going to a comic book store during our first actual date, and who I couldn’t keep a relationship going, even with our common interests.
I think I am scared.
Scared to inflict myself on another person. Scared to open myself up to another person. Scared to share myself with another person.
I’m going to be 50 next year. My plans for the year, especially for my birthday, are totally up in the air. For the past 30 years or so I’ve spent my birthday with friends and family in a myriad of venues. And I am forever appreciative for that.
The one thing that hasn’t happened in that time is, simply, spending birthday time with a significant other, who may have planned something for you because they know you would appreciate it. I don’t have anyone like that in my life, and maybe that’s all that I’d want. But I’ve lived without for this long, so I shouldn’t expect anything different for my 50th.
And what happens in the next 30 years scares me even more.